What happens to destitute old people with no family?

sailUSVI

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I have a deal worked out with a buddy to take care of my wishes if there is a “home” in my future. I’ll do the same for him. Keep family out of that kinda stuff.

If that’s not an option there is always this....:wink2:


42322
 

BigGar

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I'm dealing with it currently. My stepdad passed in early May. My brothers and I were there, more or less in shifts, for the month preceding his death. None of us really realized how advanced our mom's dementia was until he was gone. She most certainly can't live alone full time. She's not "gone", but her short term memory is fucking shot to hell most of the time. We shuffled her around between my house, my brother's house about five miles away, or my other brother's place in Phoenix, or one of us would be with her at her Vegas house.

That's not a sustainable program, or fair to her, and she really wanted to stay in Vegas, at least for now. We opted to move her into an assisted living place. One bedroom apartment, full meals, snacks, activities, rides to Dr. appointments and such, etc... Sounded great with lots of other people there too. Kind of like living on a cruise ship. Unfortunately COVID made it more like living in County jail.

No visitors allowed. Leaving the facility was very discouraged and would likely result in a fresh two week quarantine All meals served in their apartments so no communal dining. Just a whole lot of loneliness for her. Almost all socializing and activities were on hold. Nothing. That shit lasted about six weeks as we couldn't deal with her being so unhappy and confused about what the fuck is going on. Went over and got her the fuck out and put a thirty day notice in to move her back out. She spent about two weeks at my house, and now she's at my brother's house in Phoenix.

Wednesday, she starts an adventure of going to see all of her sisters and one niece. Michigan, Florida, South Carolina, Tennessee. She's super excited about it and will be gone about eight or nine weeks. All flights are straight through, with family gate access for departures and arrivals, along with airline staff knowing the score as well. Hopefully it all goes well and in the meantime my brothers and I have to get her shit moved back to her house and come up with some sort of plan for home care, for now. . .

We're going to try to either have a paid friend of hers, or a company like Visiting Angels or something come in the morning, and again in the evening, every day. I'm not optimistic but she seems to still want to stay in Vegas for now, and seems very much against moving in with any of us. If this plan doesn't work out, and even if it does, it won't be forever. Dementia is a fucker and eventually she's going to need full time care. She'll likely end up in an assisted living place near my brother and I here in SoCal. Maybe Phoenix. Hopefully the COVID garbage settles down and places like that can have a chance at living up to their potential.

I can't imagine how my mom would end up if she was just alone in the world right now. She's pretty secure financially, but I have no doubt someone would clean her out without my brothers and I overseeing her bills and spending. Her phone rings constantly with predators constantly trying to get her to donate to something, invest in something, buy something . . . Don't even get me started on the amount of junk mail she gets. Sickening.

Anyway. I guess to answer your question Eddie, old folks with no money or family are fucked and become wards of the state. Old folks with money and no family become hoarders living in filth and eventually have no money and become wards of the state.

Happy times! :)
 

maui

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Sorry to hear that Gar, I think I understand a little of what you're going through. My mom had Alzheimers, she was getting to the point were she shouldn't have been driving, getting lost etc. Then she had the first stroke. Just like someone erasing your entire memory of people places and things. She could walk and talk, had no idea who anyone was. I had to pick her up from the hospital in Seattle. She had no idea who I was she was just really scared. No idea where we were going or if she should even be riding with me in a car. She just kept saying that she was scared and didn't know what was happening. You just gotta calmly answer the same way every time.

Lots of hoops to jump through. The system is crazy.

she had 2 more strokes in the next couple of months. The last one she didn't recover from.
 
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CZLoco

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So the answer is... procreate like crazy and hope that one out of your dozen children will step up for you when the time comes.
 

agri

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Gar, we are in a similar position.
At the beginning of covid we took mom out of an assisted living facility. She has alzheimer's and once we got her into my sisters house the disease rapidly progressed . She has no bladder or bowel control now, can not walk and screams out most of the time. I fear for my sister as no one can cope with this. The issue now is there are no places available unless you have have tons of money, which we don't. In Canada the system is fucking useless and even though my mom is rated as critical care we have no time frame when we can find her a spot. Right now we pay for nurses to come in but often they don't show, are late or come and leave early. With alzheimer's its best to have the same person all the time and we can't even get that. The government's advice to us , we can find a private spot, cost $5500 a month, if you don't have money sell your house. fucking asshats.
I couldn't imagine if you were old crippled and alone as even though my mom has our support its not good.
When you get to a point where you watch a blank TV screen and shit your self where is the quality of life. It sounds sick but my moms best option is to get pneumonia and leave the world in a painless manner.
The other side of this, it destroys families, as I am now finding out.
 

Rhino

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btw, if you think you're gonna just give all your shit away to your family think again. I think they can go back 7 years even in an irrevocable trust.

Only loop hole is a disabled relative.. no look back on them for the house. Not sure about cash though.
 

Dameon

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What happens to retirement age people who have no immediate family and find themselves in a situation where they can no longer care for theirselves?
I often wonder that... I have no kids, no relatives that will outlive me, cousins are so far removed they barely know me, but I have a few dollars to my name.

My wife is a genuine good person with karma points out the ass. She gets "roped" into helping/managing these types of cases. Her most recent was an old lady who had all kinds of issues with the biggest issue being financial. She sunk all her money into a knick-knack shop and lost big time. Ended up going bankrupt at a very late age. She got all the Government kick backs for apartment rental assistance, food assistance, medical assistance. Worked okay for a while until she couldn't move around on her own. Had to hire a "care professional" twice a day: morning to get her up, cleaned, dressed and fed. Then another that night. That's all she could afford. That's where my wife fit in... life manager and errand girl. Shopping, scheduling and bringing to appointments, sitting with, emergency contact, etc. All for basically minimum wage and some donated hours.

I hope I'm that lucky.
 

Rhino

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Gar, we are in a similar position.
At the beginning of covid we took mom out of an assisted living facility. She has alzheimer's and once we got her into my sisters house the disease rapidly progressed . She has no bladder or bowel control now, can not walk and screams out most of the time. I fear for my sister as no one can cope with this. The issue now is there are no places available unless you have have tons of money, which we don't. In Canada the system is fucking useless and even though my mom is rated as critical care we have no time frame when we can find her a spot. Right now we pay for nurses to come in but often they don't show, are late or come and leave early. With alzheimer's its best to have the same person all the time and we can't even get that. The government's advice to us , we can find a private spot, cost $5500 a month, if you don't have money sell your house. fucking asshats.
I couldn't imagine if you were old crippled and alone as even though my mom has our support its not good.
When you get to a point where you watch a blank TV screen and shit your self where is the quality of life. It sounds sick but my moms best option is to get pneumonia and leave the world in a painless manner.
The other side of this, it destroys families, as I am now finding out.
That was my 2017- 2019 at the end it was only I that could take the disease headcon.. my brothers and sisters just simply could not take it.. and would barley come by. Went through the same thing with nursing.. even paying nurses extra when I had a good one only to find out she was stealing medication of pain pills. Got to the point I needed to be here 24 hours a day.. not many can handle taking care of the elderly ... during her bouts of UTI infections I was facing a Demon from hell daily. I often thought who is this person inside my mother as she is not the woman who loved me all those years.

Even when taking her to a hospital she call all the doctors niggers. Even the white ones.. this from a woman who never cursed or had a racial bone in her body. In her fits of rage she bent a hospital bed rail.. she would refuse to eat saying the hospital was trying to poison her. I would bring the hospital food in wrapped in aluminum foil and tell her I cooked it so she would eat.

Yeah the last 4 years of her life was tough... which made my life a Hell.. but it goes to show you what a family loved one will do for their family..

I must give HUGE credit to some nurses.. which are really just aids working for $14 an hour from different countries that put up with the abuse, washing the shit off the bed sheets and always trying their best to make the person happy..

Taking care of my mom.. was the hardest job I ever had and I had some real shit jobs in my life to do.
 

agri

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Rhino, glad you got through it without a stroke or heart attack.
My sister is doing the heavy lifting and my job is to support her.
There was no choice for us taking her in and now we wait, for how long we don't know.
I know if my mom had a few moments of clarity and knew what was happening to her she would want a quick exit.
I have instructed my friends if this happens to me to wipe their fingerprints off the pillow case when they leave my room(not joking bTW)
 

BigGar

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btw, if you think you're gonna just give all your shit away to your family think again. I think they can go back 7 years even in an irrevocable trust.
Yep.
Very limited on what can be given away. Mom's got an irrevocable trust and it does nothing to protect her from this. If we could have seen the writing on the wall seven years ago, we could have done something but that's not how life works.
 

maui

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My mom passed 7 years ago. I can't imagine doing all this with the covid deal. 10x harder for sure. My brothers were moderately useless. One always angry that he didn't get enough stuff, the other one unwilling to take a lead on anything.

Her boyfriend Jim, who had power of attorney for her was a mess and couldn't function at the level to deal with all the paperwork. He got sent into a room with a Administrator and nurse to sign stuff. I went in with him and sat across the table. The Admin wasn't liking that I went in but fuck him, after a bit he left so we were just there with the nurse. She'd push something across the table that looked like a small phone book with tabs to sign. On each one Jim would look at me and ask what to do. I'd look it over, look at the nurse, and while she couldn't really advise she'd either nod her head or make some other comment or gesture that was a tell. Couple of times she literally shook her head no. We sat there and signed a lot of shit, and didn't sign a lot of shit.

Ended up getting her into an assisted living deal. Once she was around people again, it was easier. We'd talk, she wouldn't really ask questions. Show her pictures of her grand children etc and tell her that there were lots of people who loved her. That helped a lot. 10 minutes later she had no idea again. I did get to see her smile again, quite a few times even, but never sure if it was because she liked the pictures or if the food was good that day.

It was 3 months of that before she passed away. Pretty kind actually. The last stroke she just never woke up from.

Doctors were the worse, I flat out told one that things were gonna happen on our time not his and he evidently was not used to people pushing back.

You absolutely need a health care advocate when you're in that situation either as a patient of a family member.
 

Rhino

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Rhino, glad you got through it without a stroke or heart attack.
My sister is doing the heavy lifting and my job is to support her.
There was no choice for us taking her in and now we wait, for how long we don't know.
I know if my mom had a few moments of clarity and knew what was happening to her she would want a quick exit.
I have instructed my friends if this happens to me to wipe their fingerprints off the pillow case when they leave my room(not joking bTW)

Two strokes.. but it was a broken leg that finally caused the end. Her body simply could not recover and everything shut down peice by peice over 9 days.

Using a hoya lift will help with the lifting ... but I'm big enough that I just lifted her and would move her from bed to chair and carry her to the shower

Sadly we put dogs down in their end .. yet humans are not afforded that dignity due to INSURANCE.
 

ysr_racer

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My mom died of Alzheimer's. I could tell you the trials and tribulations of dealing with someone that has Alzheimer's, or at least what my idiot brother told me :)
 

kawachan

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My Mom has had dementia for a few years. My brother and sisters tried going to some of the appointments and getting access to her records from the doctors. My Dad would take her but he was not very good at going in with her or remembering everything the doctor wanted him to do. Over the years her doctors and specialist just kept prescribing her more and more pills.

A lil over a month ago, I stop in to drop off some food. Pop follows outside as I leave and is telling me he is starting to think of putting her in assisted living. Family all gets involved and we got her admitted to a short term facility to get her meds right.

After 12 days or so in she was absolutely a different person. Went from 12 meds to 7. Only 3 of them are the same but one dropped from 3 to 2 times a day. She went from sleeping 14-16 hours a day, being tipsy and almost falling all the time and wild mood swings to carrying on normal conversations and going outside to look at her plants. We still won't let her cook and pulled her driver's license finally although she hasn't driven in years. Pop bought her first brand new car ever back 5 years or so ago and she never really got to enjoy it.

We've been trying to get my Dad to do something for YEARS. We even got a few people to come by for a few hours a week to sit with her, but both thought they were only trying to steal stuff and ran them off. Just because it happened to my Pops Mom, he thinks everybody will do that.

Dementia and Alzheimer's is hard to deal with for sure...
 

bowtie

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Some of these stories I know, others not so much .. but my heart goes out to each of you caring for another, it takes a special person to sacrifice part of their life for a loved one. Since my dad died I've taken care of my mom, she has Bidenmentia .. but I have lots of help from my sister, she's seen her twice in 4 years. :up:
 

nomad

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When I learned the conditions that a friend's mom was living in, I nearly beat him to a pulp for allowing it

It is beyond my comprehension how families can become so distant within

It's your fucking mom, asshole
Detials pls... presumably eating cat food, living alone, dealing with alzheimers etc etc?
 

luckystrike

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Detials pls... presumably eating cat food, living alone, dealing with alzheimers etc etc?
Living alone, dementia in a hoarder environment. I only came to know after I visited the house with my friend after his mom was relocated to some type of care home

I don't care how sour a relationship with a mother (or father), it is unfathomable to me how anyone could allow their parent to exist in such conditions
 
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Dad passed 11 years ago. He had cancer for the 3rd time, and he was at the end. He had really good insurance, and I remember doctors standing outside his room arguing over doing more tests (some of which had already been done 3 times). As said before, animals get treated with way more dignity.
 
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I don't care how sour a relationship with a mother (or father), it is unfathomable to me how anyone could allow their parent to exist in such conditions
A sign that you had a good relationship with your parents, or at the least, they were good people.

Unfortunately, there are some really shitty people out there that don't deserve the time of day, being a "mother" or "father" doesn't exempt them from that.
 
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Moved my mom in with me and my wife last year. Quite the stressful situation between her, my wife, the baby, and myself. She's far from financially stable which adds even more stress.

I've typed out, and deleted several paragraphs here.... it's just crappy. The lack of responsibility and rationality is overwhelming at times.

But she's my mom, and I can't let her fend for herself. Even though I feel enabling at times. Sucks.
 
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Some of you guys are living, or have lived through, something I've been dreading with my own parents. Parents are "only" in their 60s, but I'm already factoring in having an in-laws suite built somewhere down the line if and when it comes time. Dementia, Alzheimer's, sundowning, the confusion, the loss of memory. What a shit suck of the aging process, the downside to being lucky to have parents live a long life is to have their mind give out before their bodies do. That sort of caregiving will take a mental toll on you, please get outside help if able to assist with day to day stuff. Burnout is real, and I have no idea how some of you guys do it solo.
 

Brokenfly

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Dementia and age got my mother a couple years ago,my sister along with other kin stepped up to the plate helping her to cross over to the other side.
Reading this subject highlights my curse and how much I'm sorry in advance.
 

ysr_racer

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Parents are "only" in their 60s, but I'm already factoring in having an in-laws suite built somewhere down the line if and when it comes time.
Don't waste your money, dementia patients only get worse, and their "need" will quickly outstrip your "ability" to care for them.

Then they're on to the next step...
 
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CZLoco

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I've typed out, and deleted several paragraphs here.... it's just crappy. The lack of responsibility and rationality is overwhelming at times.
Makes me think of my Mom when I brought her home with me.
Drove from TX to CA and back when I heard she had fallen and the Doctors said she shouldn't be taking care of herself anymore, even though she was already in an assisted living facility. A sweet one too, in Thousand Oaks, CA. Gov funded, of course.

After getting back home with her, I realized pretty quickly she had given up on life and decided it was now my responsibility to take care of her and do everything for her. Even though she still had some faculties left to do things on her own at that time.

...and just like you, I've now typed and deleted things.
arghh. My prayers are with ya.

All I can suggest is that you learn how to be patient.
And then you learn how to be 1000x more patient than that.
It'll be hard but you'll probably thank yourself someday.
 

RollieFree

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I'm dealing with it currently. My stepdad passed in early May. My brothers and I were there, more or less in shifts, for the month preceding his death. None of us really realized how advanced our mom's dementia was until he was gone. She most certainly can't live alone full time. She's not "gone", but her short term memory is fucking shot to hell most of the time. We shuffled her around between my house, my brother's house about five miles away, or my other brother's place in Phoenix, or one of us would be with her at her Vegas house.

That's not a sustainable program, or fair to her, and she really wanted to stay in Vegas, at least for now. We opted to move her into an assisted living place. One bedroom apartment, full meals, snacks, activities, rides to Dr. appointments and such, etc... Sounded great with lots of other people there too. Kind of like living on a cruise ship. Unfortunately COVID made it more like living in County jail.

No visitors allowed. Leaving the facility was very discouraged and would likely result in a fresh two week quarantine All meals served in their apartments so no communal dining. Just a whole lot of loneliness for her. Almost all socializing and activities were on hold. Nothing. That shit lasted about six weeks as we couldn't deal with her being so unhappy and confused about what the fuck is going on. Went over and got her the fuck out and put a thirty day notice in to move her back out. She spent about two weeks at my house, and now she's at my brother's house in Phoenix.

Wednesday, she starts an adventure of going to see all of her sisters and one niece. Michigan, Florida, South Carolina, Tennessee. She's super excited about it and will be gone about eight or nine weeks. All flights are straight through, with family gate access for departures and arrivals, along with airline staff knowing the score as well. Hopefully it all goes well and in the meantime my brothers and I have to get her shit moved back to her house and come up with some sort of plan for home care, for now. . .

We're going to try to either have a paid friend of hers, or a company like Visiting Angels or something come in the morning, and again in the evening, every day. I'm not optimistic but she seems to still want to stay in Vegas for now, and seems very much against moving in with any of us. If this plan doesn't work out, and even if it does, it won't be forever. Dementia is a fucker and eventually she's going to need full time care. She'll likely end up in an assisted living place near my brother and I here in SoCal. Maybe Phoenix. Hopefully the COVID garbage settles down and places like that can have a chance at living up to their potential.

I can't imagine how my mom would end up if she was just alone in the world right now. She's pretty secure financially, but I have no doubt someone would clean her out without my brothers and I overseeing her bills and spending. Her phone rings constantly with predators constantly trying to get her to donate to something, invest in something, buy something . . . Don't even get me started on the amount of junk mail she gets. Sickening.

Anyway. I guess to answer your question Eddie, old folks with no money or family are fucked and become wards of the state. Old folks with money and no family become hoarders living in filth and eventually have no money and become wards of the state.

Happy times! :)
I’m in the same boat. Mother in law had to be moved here because she doesn’t even know what year it is or who is dead or alive. Same stuff over and over. Got to get back to Indy to empty he place and sell her house. Until then, we are paying assisted living for her and can only visit outside once a week. Takes her small income and we have to kick in a grand a month. I feel for you man.
RF
 

tinhead

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Where are you guys finding these bargains for old peoples' warehouses? Fifteen years ago, I got put into the premier nursing home/ rehab facility after breaking my pelvis. Last year, an acquaintance was looking at places to put his father, who was going away while still being here.

:eek:Fifteen thousand dollars per month.:eek:

Go back a decade, when my mom was failing, we hired a live in caregiver to keep her in her house and out of a nursing home. Three hundred dollars per day,

Save now, spend later,
 

Terry_Schiavo

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in Jersey they used to warehouse the old folks in high rises. They used to pull one or 2 out a week on stretchers for good. Think it cost $500/mnth utes included. Food and care were seperate...obviously. Jitney bus was free
 

Team222

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Going through all of this now with my MIL, she has always been a Narcissistic Sycophant, a controlling manipulator! Her only saving grace was that she was a loving and wonderful grandmother to my son, his only blood grandparent since both of my parents were deceased when he was born.

Her ins won't cover a hospice facility, they are kicking her out after a three day stay so my wife and her also Narcissistic, "apple doesn't fall far from the tree" sister will be alternating nights at their mothers apartment. I have tolerated my wife's mother all these years only because my son loves his grandmother and vice a versa and just to keep some family harmony. I feel sorry for my wife and son's soon to be loss but I have mixed feelings about it all, cruel people and I don't get along well, I cut them no quarter but yet I can't let this situation turn me into that person!

I too have kept my thoughts brief here, I could go on and on but it really doesn't matter now and words can be painful so why cause any more of it?
 
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